{"id":997,"date":"2015-07-10T14:13:45","date_gmt":"2015-07-10T13:13:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/themudkitchen.com\/?p=997"},"modified":"2023-01-01T22:22:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-01T22:22:00","slug":"starting-school-separation-anxiety-coping-with-tears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kidscraftroom.com\/starting-school-separation-anxiety-coping-with-tears\/","title":{"rendered":"Starting School Separation Anxiety – Coping With Tears"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s getting to that time of year when lots of children are getting ready for their first day at kindergarten or school<\/strong>. Some kids sail through it and find it super exciting \u00a0and others can be full of worries and a fear of the unknown and of course there\u2019s a whole mix of feelings between the two extremes. And as parents those emotional responses are often just as real and powerful for us too.\"TIPS<\/p>\n

Today I wanted to chat about separation anxiety and dealing with tears at goodbye time.<\/strong> There are lots of articles out there full of practical tips to help kids with starting school.\u00a0But what if you\u2019ve done the practical things needed such as equipping your child with the personal dressing and toileting skills they need and you\u2019ve done all the recommended pre-school visits. You\u2019ve got them used to wearing the uniform, you\u2019ve met the teacher, you\u2019ve got into the new morning routine weeks before hand, you\u2019ve read all the books and are wearing the t-shirt of school readiness!<\/p>\n

You are as darn school ready as a family can be and yet\u2026 when the big day arrives your child\u2019s face crumples when it comes to saying goodbye and the tears start flowing?!<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been there and done that and know that as a parent I don\u2019t think there\u2019s much worse than having to leave your distressed child. I\u2019ve also been a teacher and the one left with five sobbing children and twenty others that are all ready to get started with their day and believe me that\u2019s tough too!<\/p>\n

What Not To Say When Dealing With Separation Anxiety<\/span><\/h2>\n

I was prompted to write this article because when faced with a crying child at the classroom door in both teacher and parent roles I\u2019ve so often heard well meaning parents tell their child \u201cDon\u2019t be silly<\/em>\u201d, \u201cStop crying<\/em>\u201c, \u201cDon\u2019t be daft<\/em>\u201c, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to cry about<\/em>\u201c, \u201cBig boys don\u2019t cry<\/em>\u201d and the such like. It breaks my heart to hear these phrases it really does!<\/strong><\/p>\n

The emotions the child is feeling aren\u2019t silly, or daft, they are real, important and need to be addressed.<\/strong> Big boys and girls do and should be allowed to cry<\/strong> and these little poppets have something to cry about right now, they are saying goodbye to you and you are their world, you are their everything. They have a right to feel unsure and sad!<\/strong><\/p>\n

If our children are sad and tearful at saying goodbye time then firstly we should be inwardly rejoicing that they can express those feelings<\/strong> and aren\u2019t bottling them up, how harmful would that be?<\/p>\n

Secondly we need to be acknowledging those sad feelings <\/strong>about starting school.\u00a0Don\u2019t fall into the trap of\u00a0asking them what\u2019s wrong, \u00a0the chances are they are too emotional to say and they may not even have the language or understand enough of their emotions to express what they are feeling<\/strong>. Instead tell them what you can see and understand.\u00a0Tell them \u201cI can see that you are feeling sad<\/em>\u201c. Explain to them, \u201cI can tell that you are upset at having to say goodbye now.<\/em>\u201d Why not explain that you will miss them too? Simple phrases like these show a child that their feelings matter, that their feelings have been noticed and that their feelings are important.\u00a0Only once they feel heard can we hope to move them forward positively.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Acknowledging A Child\u2019s Separation Anxiety And Equipping Them To Move Forward<\/span><\/h2>\n

Once a child\u2019s emotions have been acknowledged we can help them to cope with the situation. \u00a0Helping a child to see the time away from you as a distinct section of time with a beginning, middle and end<\/strong> can be really beneficial and make the whole idea of starting school more manageable. Remind them of two or three things that are going to happen throughout the day such as painting in the morning, then lunch and then a story before they come home. \u00a0Young children can\u2019t tell the time from the classroom clock so pointers like this can help them cope throughout the day too.<\/p>\n

Be really positive about their school day and tell them how excited you are<\/strong> to be picking them up later and to be able to hear about all the wonderful things they have done.<\/p>\n

Help them feel secure that you will return and collect them<\/strong>\u00a0from school by telling them where you will be waiting for them in the playground. Make a plan with them about what you will do after their time at school<\/strong>. It doesn\u2019t have to be anything special, it\u2019s value isn\u2019t in its uniqueness, its value is in being something that they will be doing with you. It could be a trip to the park, or that you\u2019ll sit and do a jigsaw puzzle together or read the next chapter of the story book. Reminding them of what it is you\u2019re going to be doing together later gives them something distinct to look forward to and a clear marker of their time at school coming to an end.\u00a0A conversation like this puts their school day into a time context and helps them see it as just a small segment of the day.<\/p>\n

Lots of children like to have a special comfort toy<\/strong> from home with them and if your school allows this then great. Kiss the toy goodbye too and reassure special teddy that you\u2019ll see him later and that your child will look after him and they\u2019ll have a fabulous day together and teddy can help a child feel supported when you\u2019re not there<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

If your school or kindergarten doesn\u2019t allow a comfort toy from home you might want to consider sewing a little piece of ribbon or soft fabric like velvet into a pocket<\/strong>. Give it a special name like \u201cMommas love ribbon\u201d<\/strong> and your child can then touch it and hold it to be close to you throughout the day when they need that extra bit of comfort.<\/p>\n

Parents Feel Separation Anxiety Too \u2013 Saying Goodbye Is Tough!<\/span><\/h2>\n

I know this sounds like a lot to be talking through with your child when they are dealing with separation anxiety but it really needn\u2019t, nor should you want it to, take more than a couple of minutes<\/strong>. A lingering parent that spends too long and won\u2019t bring the goodbye to an end can easily escalate a child\u2019s anxiety.<\/p>\n

Remember to look after your self at this time too. If your child is still tearful when you say goodbye don\u2019t feel you have to battle with the inevitable emotional response you have to this alone. Any good school or kindergarten will let you wait somewhere out of sight of your child or telephone the school a few minutes later to check that your child has settled and is no longer sad<\/strong>. Most children will settle happily within a minute or two.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s Consider The Child\u2019s Feelings Today and Every Day<\/span><\/h2>\n

As a teacher talking now I\u2019d love every parent to acknowledge their child\u2019s feelings when they say goodbye, it may be that they have a child that hops, skips and dances into the classroom or it may be that they have a child that is anxious to say goodbye. What ever your child is feeling it is hugely beneficial to the child for them to know that their feelings are noticed and valued<\/strong> and it makes it a lot easier for the teacher to settle those children too.<\/p>\n

For a child with separation anxiety I\u2019m not saying that these steps will stop the child crying but it will help to equip the child with the ability to work through and cope with their emotions. Being able to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill<\/strong> so let\u2019s not sweep them under the carpet, let\u2019s not call them \u201csilly\u201d, let\u2019s celebrate all of our children\u2019s emotions and strive to help them manage them in a positive and supporting way.<\/p>\n

Looking for more parenting tips? Check out our parenting section<\/a> for more interesting articles.<\/p>\n

Have you shared this article with your friends on Facebook or Pinterest yet?\"Lots<\/em><\/p>\n

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